but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
