The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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