I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
