fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
