I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
