Plan B is the new Plan A
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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