she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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