Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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