Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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