I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
please come you make the beer taste better
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
