First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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