3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Your penis caused this!
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