Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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