i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
