pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
