Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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