Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
