tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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