My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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