hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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