I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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