ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
