Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
