I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
