If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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