Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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