He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
