Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
