i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
