She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Randomize
