My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
