I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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