are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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