I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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