alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
wow bdsm is so cute
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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