My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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