Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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