fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
