omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
