Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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