He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
