only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
