A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
