Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
