so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
that is very illegal...i love you.
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