Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
