Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
