if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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