if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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