im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
